What is it that makes me go on and on about you? I clearly don’t get it. My life was like this small boat that was wading through the calm sea. Until a certain wave came and shook the boat. It was a good one though. The boat managed to stay safe and sound. But the tide still exists even today. I suddenly realised as to what had happened. Initially, I kept telling myself that it was wrong. Both the times. There came a point where I thought I was still so damn immature, I was literally going to give up. But something inside didn’t let me. My conscience maybe? It constantly kept telling me not to lose out on so much more in life.
The way I am with others, I certainly won’t be like that with you. It’s pretty obvious. The constant feeling of not wanting to tell you but still wanting you to know exists even today. It really kills to see how good you are to me, so innocent, so unaware. And I’m over here, dreaming of telling you 5yrs. down the line that I won’t be able to attend your wedding, as it will really break me into a billion pieces to see you with someone else. Well, it sounds hillariously funny but it’s true. Yeah, laugh away to glory. This is precisely how hopeless one can be. Rather I can be.
You made me your confidant. I felt so jealous. Jealous of the people involved in it. Some came and some left. But it’s too early for me to assure you that about me. Not that I’m as cruel as them or anything but just a random wondering whether if I’ll be able to live with the pain of not being able to have you more than a friend for the rest of my life. I hope all of this is making sense. Lucky they were who got to be a part of your life, who have known you for so long. Quite often a thought passes my mind. There are more than a million around. But somehow my heart sticks around for only one.
Truth is, you’re just one of those human beings. Living, existing, socializing and doing so much more. But for me, you’re above all. People keep telling me that when it’s supposed to happen, it will. Am honestly quite sick of listening to that. I love reminiscing the times we spent, smiling when certain things remind me of you. Even if it means shedding a tear realizing at the end of the day that what I wish for can never be mine. The world might change, people might change. But one thing is for sure that neither will you nor I.
Everything about you is so cute. For that matter, your mistakes too. I don’t know. I just find them cute. I don’t feel like correcting them. I miss a lot of things pertaining to you. The random staring at the sky when its raining, resting my head against the cab railing listening to songs that remind me of you, writing endless poems thinking about no one but you, sitting by the window sipping tea and going through your messages and just so much more. I know it’s impossible. But I still don’t know what I’m holding on to and why am I not letting it go. ‘Wait’ is just an understatement now.
I know the day I confess, it’s all gonna be over. I will be harshly judged. But anyway, it is what it is. I really wish to be your closest friend, your dearest confidant, your shoulder in times of sorrow, your smile in times of joy, your 3am phone call. My list is always the same. But there are so many other things which are too much to enlist! Somehow I feel, by writing all of this, I’m talking to you. Even if you read this or not. Truth is, you’re always on my mind, no matter what I do. I can’t help it. In simple words, walk alone if you wish to but always turn back to find me..somewhere I feel incomplete without you so don’t ever leave me.
You are someone I will never ever forget. Even if that means I’m all married and settled with kids and suddenly one day I either see a mail, message or get a phone call from you, yes, I’ll be shamelessly back to square one for a brief moment. Every positive thing about you brings a negative aspect and brings a genuine, heart-warming, heart-melting smile. It’s no magic. Sometimes it’s just nothing. “Main aur meri tanhayee..” I have raved enough about you in my poems. Written numerous status messages on nothing but Facebook just so you would get the hint. And the fact that you don’t even understand 0.01% of it makes me write more and more and more.
It’s like, we’re sailing in the same boat but the only difference is that your destination is someone else while I’m sailing with mine! I just cannot be a heartless person and say that I cannot give you the control of my emotions. I cannot depend on you for my happiness. I’m human and clearly “Dil toh baccha hai ji”. It will cry inside when it doesn’t see you that often. It will break when it spots you with someone else. It dies a million deaths every single day when it knows that you cannot be mine.
If you cannot be my shade when the sun kills, just be my cool wind. If you cannot be my umbrella during a heavy downpour, just be my look-in-the-eye when it rains. If you cannot be my warmth during the winters, just be my chill down the spine. If you cannot be my colourful picture of the spring, just be my uncertain, fluttering butterfly. If you cannot be my lifeless tree in the autumn, just be my dry leaf and fall into my arms. A hug that I feel shouldn’t end. Your soothing presence and pricking absence.
The questions asked by you which do not have any answers or you yourself are the answers to it. Who’ll tell you? If I get some time off my incessant smiling, the endless blushing, the silence, the fumbling and last but not the least, playing with my phone. Oh my God! Am on fire while doing all these things! I might look back at this and laugh but I will never, ever regret it. I honestly do not know what LOVE is or if I have ever fallen in it. But right now ‘missing you’ is an understatement is all I know. I just wanna look back for your look.