Time and again..

How do I start? I questioned myself. After relocating to New York, everything and everyone felt so new. But it was just the way I wanted it to be. I believed that I wrote better when I was away. Away from the people I’d see everyday and you, some who I saw just maybe 4-5 times a year but always was the first time I’d feel so new. The flow of thought would be faster than it would usually be. I used to picture you before me, picture every moment and simply paint it into a beautiful poem. I was truly addicted.

Secretly obsessed with your glasses, I always wished for a pair. That simple yet elegant, black-coloured frame looked just about perfect whenever you looked right at me from them and smiled. Thanks to my incessant, midnight writing. I proudly owned a pair! After a major brain-drain session, I had my share of forty winks. Later, I made myself a huge of tea and got back to writing. The topic was something very different. I was physically there, all parked on my bean bag with my laptop chewing my nails with an absolutely blank head.

Going back to the time where I overlooked all your mistakes, made my peace with your brief ignorance, feeling contented with your mere ‘Hello’ and just, so much more. You were never my bad guy. Everything you did was cute and correct. Something inside me had absolutely no guts to tell you how I really felt. I kept asking you the same, routine questions and for some reason I liked listening to the same answers. Yes, you’re most welcome to call me a little insane but that’s how it worked for me.

Sometimes I really wonder how you never noticed my endless efforts to keep our conversations on. Maybe you did and never really told me or maybe you really didn’t. Who cares? Nobody. I did. Your confessions killed me every moment. The feeling of not wanting to tell you but still hoping that you’d know chased me throughout. Every confession you made would be buried deep inside within and every word of your’s would hurt like a shovel being used for the burial of whatever you’ve confessed. I kept quiet.

Everytime I’d hear you being hurt, would somehow hurt me. I always wondered if I was in that place, ever, the tears would never have been shed, there would never be any pieces of a broken heart and there would never be any kind of baggage. But there was, there so was. I wished to go correct every mistake happened with you just so that you shouldn’t be sad or rather I didn’t want to see you sad. I used to be at peace when you were around. I’d just miss you a little. Ok, who am I kidding? I used to end up missing you quite a lot! Though really empty inside when you were once away, for real.

Imagining your face, all grossed out while I relished my big bar of chocolate, listening to the songs you suggested over and over again just because it was your choice, being the first person on my mind everytime I woke and everytime I went to sleep and so much more. Literally, your dislikes would be my likes as I thought they were cute and your likes were my dislikes when I knew that you’d marry the one you were dating. Back then, it was too difficult to know, realise and for the fact to sink in that I had to leave.

Somewhere inside, it broke me. It shook me. I dreaded the separation from you and there I was, leaving you behind. It’s raining right now and all I can think of is..you. I remember meeting you a day or two before I left. It was exactly how I’d expected it to be. The usual, “I’ll miss you so much!”, “Keep in touch, ok? Mail me!” and so on. I’m not saying that it was all fake but the actual separation hurt me more than it hurt you, it was painful more than anything else. At some point I knew that it was time for me to let go. It had to be a mature move. Something that had to be done whole-heartedly even though I really did not want to.

Clearly, the angel in me would’ve let you go but the devil in me would’ve pulled you back really hard. Today it seemed like the devil crept in with the storm. Outside and deep within. A mild sound of thunder shook me a little and I was out of my trance. Craving for another another cup of tea, I forced myself out of my bean bag and suddenly the doorbell rang. I opened the door to see a wet figure holding an umbrella pointed towards my face. Slightly, I lifted the umbrella with my finger and there you were, all drenched and messy but yet so cute..

It’s that time of the year again..

~It was raining very heavily that day. I peeped out from the cab to see a chaotic road. Vegetable vendors managing to keep the vegetables away from water, that poor old lady who sold plain white cloth was struggling to keep the cloth dry but her tattered umbrella didn’t really let her do so. The traffic signal was taking too long to change. The music that I was listening to, wasn’t interesting anymore. It was getting claustrophobic. I pulled down the window a little and peeped out yet again. I saw you.

~Let’s keep your description a secret. You caught my eye, that is for sure. Fighting a battle with your big umbrella, wondering if you should wear your laptop bag in the front or at the back, you made your way through the jam. While doing that, a car moved a bit ahead almost touching your knee. If it wasn’t for the umbrella and your laptop bag, you would’ve bashed that guy up! But your big, beautiful and mesmerising eyes did all the talking. Even the droplets and the vapour on your glasses stepped aside for that moment.

~You looked at me, but I was just one of the few looking at you struggling your way through the traffic. The traffic finally moved. With my right hand, I wiped a little vapour from the other window. For a moment I felt like I was in some movie. Wiping out the vapour, smiling and looking up the sky. Anyway, back to my cab. So, I wiped the vapour off the window and saw you take a cab and finally settling down. Digging into your bag, you found a dry tissue and wiped off the water from your glasses and heaved a sigh of relief. So did I.

~It was my first day at work and I was obviously late. Thankfully, my boss really didn’t mind. I was told that someone else would be joining with me. As it was my very first day, I couldn’t stop smiling at my brand new colleagues. New faces, new atmosphere, it was all really good. I set up my table. Everything was in place, just the way I wanted it to be. So, I was waiting for that certain someone to join me pretty soon so that we could go ahead with our work for the day, get briefed etc.

~I kept looking at the main door at regular intervals. Not that I was really desperate but just general curiosity. The door finally opened and to my very, very pleasant surprise, it was you! I look down and there it was, a big, huge grin. And in about 5-10minutes my boss called out to me and made you and me sit together and started briefing us. The rush was unbelieveable and I couldn’t help but just keep smiling throughout the session. And for my boss, she thought my smile meant a very good job done by her.

~As time passed, I remembered an instance where you and I were introduced to each other by a common acquiantance. But I just kept all of that way behind. We had gelled very well and I loved the connection we had. Several months passed by and you became a habit. And I will say no more. My feelings, though pure are repititive. I smiled my way through. You always knew about the ocean in my mind. You knew that somewhere I was not happy. But still, I always continued to smile. You followed the suit.

~Eventually, we parted ways on a very good note, promising to keep in touch. Our lives got busy even before we knew it. Initially, I missed you. I missed the conversations, random questions about the future, incessant messaging our ways back home and..I don’t want to make things obvious as you read this. There would be a rush in my head, only for a moment though but all about how life moves on and people like me have to go with the flow with absolutely no choice. I used to smile and just keep my faith alive.

~The sorrow on your face when you spoke about your past with an awkward smile still flashes infront of my face. But all I could do at that moment was to just hold your fingers tight, nod a bit and just make you believe that the best is yet to come. And to my not-so-pleasant surprise, something good did come your way. A question or a request, whatever. And your affirmation to it. I could clearly see that hesitance in your tone and an inch of happiness in your eyes when you confessed it to me. While I used the best way to sneak out of the pain, my smile.

~A lot of people came in my life. But right now, you have come without a return ticket. I humbly tried to kick you out. It didn’t really work. Once in a while you’d ask me why I looked dazed, where was I lost. I had a very short and sweet reply named Y-O-U. But my evil side didn’t let me waste my energy to say even that. That’s because for you, I was just ‘one-of-them’ while obviously for me you were a kind of ‘the-only-one’. Anyway, the deeply carved rule of life is that you never get what you really want.

~I’m still in the longest phase of being hit with impact of you as a person. Recovery seems blur. Mind me, blur. The monsoons sure will come every single year. But it doesn’t know that it brings you back with itself every single year. When you’ll read this, you’ll instantly relate to it. But certainly not with me in the picture. You might also praise me for how nicely this is written. I will write some more. Because for me, when it is you, It’s that time of the year again, every single time. 🙂

You.

What is it that makes me go on and on about you? I clearly don’t get it. My life was like this small boat that was wading through the calm sea. Until a certain wave came and shook the boat. It was a good one though. The boat managed to stay safe and sound. But the tide still exists even today. I suddenly realised as to what had happened. Initially, I kept telling myself that it was wrong. Both the times. There came a point where I thought I was still so damn immature, I was literally going to give up. But something inside didn’t let me. My conscience maybe? It constantly kept telling me not to lose out on so much more in life.

The way I am with others, I certainly won’t be like that with you. It’s pretty obvious. The constant feeling of not wanting to tell you but still wanting you to know exists even today. It really kills to see how good you are to me, so innocent, so unaware. And I’m over here, dreaming of telling you 5yrs. down the line that I won’t be able to attend your wedding, as it will really break me into a billion pieces to see you with someone else. Well, it sounds hillariously funny but it’s true. Yeah, laugh away to glory. This is precisely how hopeless one can be. Rather I can be.

You made me your confidant. I felt so jealous. Jealous of the people involved in it. Some came and some left. But it’s too early for me to assure you that about me. Not that I’m as cruel as them or anything but just a random wondering whether if I’ll be able to live with the pain of not being able to have you more than a friend for the rest of my life. I hope all of this is making sense. Lucky they were who got to be a part of your life, who have known you for so long. Quite often a thought passes my mind. There are more than a million around. But somehow my heart sticks around for only one.

Truth is, you’re just one of those human beings. Living, existing, socializing and doing so much more. But for me, you’re above all. People keep telling me that when it’s supposed to happen, it will. Am honestly quite sick of listening to that. I love reminiscing the times we spent, smiling when certain things remind me of you. Even if it means shedding a tear realizing at the end of the day that what I wish for can never be mine. The world might change, people might change. But one thing is for sure that neither will you nor I.

Everything about you is so cute. For that matter, your mistakes too. I don’t know. I just find them cute. I don’t feel like correcting them. I miss a lot of things pertaining to you. The random staring at the sky when its raining, resting my head against the cab railing listening to songs that remind me of you, writing endless poems thinking about no one but you, sitting by the window sipping tea and going through your messages and just so much more. I know it’s impossible. But I still don’t know what I’m holding on to and why am I not letting it go. ‘Wait’ is just an understatement now.

I know the day I confess, it’s all gonna be over. I will be harshly judged. But anyway, it is what it is. I really wish to be your closest friend, your dearest confidant, your shoulder in times of sorrow, your smile in times of joy, your 3am phone call. My list is always the same. But there are so many other things which are too much to enlist! Somehow I feel, by writing all of this, I’m talking to you. Even if you read this or not. Truth is, you’re always on my mind, no matter what I do. I can’t help it. In simple words, walk alone if you wish to but always turn back to find me..somewhere I feel incomplete without you so don’t ever leave me.

You are someone I will never ever forget. Even if that means I’m all married and settled with kids and suddenly one day I either see a mail, message or get a phone call from you, yes, I’ll be shamelessly back to square one for a brief moment. Every positive thing about you brings a negative aspect and brings a genuine, heart-warming, heart-melting smile. It’s no magic. Sometimes it’s just nothing. “Main aur meri tanhayee..” I have raved enough about you in my poems. Written numerous status messages on nothing but Facebook just so you would get the hint. And the fact that you don’t even understand 0.01% of it makes me write more and more and more.

It’s like, we’re sailing in the same boat but the only difference is that your destination is someone else while I’m sailing with mine! I just cannot be a heartless person and say that I cannot give you the control of my emotions. I cannot depend on you for my happiness. I’m human and clearly “Dil toh baccha hai ji”. It will cry inside when it doesn’t see you that often. It will break when it spots you with someone else. It dies a million deaths every single day when it knows that you cannot be mine.

If you cannot be my shade when the sun kills, just be my cool wind. If you cannot be my umbrella during a heavy downpour, just be my look-in-the-eye when it rains. If you cannot be my warmth during the winters, just be my chill down the spine. If you cannot be my colourful picture of the spring, just be my uncertain, fluttering butterfly. If you cannot be my lifeless tree in the autumn, just be my dry leaf and fall into my arms. A hug that I feel shouldn’t end. Your soothing presence and pricking absence.

The questions asked by you which do not have any answers or you yourself are the answers to it. Who’ll tell you? If I get some time off my incessant smiling, the endless blushing, the silence, the fumbling and last but not the least, playing with my phone. Oh my God! Am on fire while doing all these things! I might look back at this and laugh but I will never, ever regret it. I honestly do not know what LOVE is or if I have ever fallen in it. But right now ‘missing you’ is an understatement is all I know. I just wanna look back for your look.

Just two fingers..

Expecting to anticipate..
You may call it ‘rubbish’..

It’s a tricky game..
Of the heart and the mind..

My eyes sweat it all out..
The battle is finally over..

Sometimes the heart wins..
And the mind refuses to lose..

Words and faith make prayers..
Joined hands are a mere action..

Clasped to the edge of the window..
And outside seemed so glum..

Smell of the wet soil..
Was clearly a solace..

My eyes met mine..
I saw a dent on my cheek..

The glow was your’s..
And nothing else..

Bits of vapour..
Blurred my vision..

I still said a prayer..
A prayer so true..

Crossed for luck, one on the other..
Not the eyes, just two fingers..

When it’ll rain..

Unsaid, unwanted sorrow..
There was happiness I wanted to borrow..

I seem to have lost you in the crowd..
Certainly, my love wasn’t too proud..

Your spring was my autumn..
When my heart cried from the deepest of the bottom..

Folly was mine, to make you my habit..
That is something, I’ll honestly admit..

Had too much to bother, too much to care..
Maybe on your part that wasn’t just too fair..

To have left my affection on a lonely road..
Where I sat and wrote thousands of an ode..

I have nowhere to look or nowhere to see..
Never thought how helpless I could be..

For moments and my feelings so full of pain..
Wonder when I’ll find peace, wonder when it’ll rain..

All I believe..

Clouds in the sky so randomly spread..
A face I thought was so unread..

Someone I thought I knew so well..
With the changing times the bitterness had to dwell..

Gave you a chance to see if you’d actually left..
What a fool I was to let my heart cleft..

Roamed around with a heart so sour..
You just never looked back even from far..

I stood right there with hopes so high..
A pile of crushed faith as time passed by..

Moments so precious and nothing to spare..
I’d so much to tell you and so much to share..

Wondering from you, how will I break free..
Where my pain is just growing into a big, huge tree..

All I miss is that look in the eyes..
And the truth being nothing but bitter than the lies..

No idea as to what’ll stay or leave..
You make my heart sink is all I believe..